Natural Disaster?

I was at lunch yesterday with three of my co-workers, all of which have lived in the west for a number of years. One of the ladies mentioned that the weather felt like "earthquake weather." I had no idea you could predict that sort of thing with the weather. Anyway, she asked me if I had ever been through an earthquake; and I had to admit that I had not. I told them I had been through plenty of tornados though.

As far as I know, tornados are not a big threat here in Nevada. At least not like they are in the Midwest. Last summer I saw a tiny dust tornado...but I hardly think that counts. Today while I was at work I had this de ja vu tornado experience. The last couple of days have been stormy, lots of rain and some lightening and thunder. The air felt like a tornado...even though I knew that there wasn't one coming. It reminded me of being at my Dad's house, standing out in the yard with him watching the black clouds roll in, feeling the electricity in the air, that feeling in your gut when you knew the storm was going to be more than just a little thing. Even though I don't really miss the tornados - I sorta miss that feeling. Another one of life's dichotomies I guess.

Dreaming...

On occasion I will have a dream that is so real and vivid that it is frightening. Last week I had one of those dreams. The whole dream was swirling with emotion so thick and deep that I couldn't wake myself from it, and I couldn't shake the feeling long after it was over. It always makes me wonder; how is it that in my sleep I can feel so deeply? That I can be so affected by gut-wrenching, heart twisting emotion.

The nature of the dream makes me believe that I felt so deeply then because I won't allow myself to feel that deeply when I am awake. And certainly not without reason: Emotion that strong cuts deep...grief, regret, sadness. Heavy burdens.

I really believe our dreams are important. Certainly not in a Sci-fi sort of way...but I look in Scripture and see that dreams were important to God. The story of Joseph is proof-positive of that. Often after a night like last week I have wondered: is God trying to speak to me? Is He trying to tell me something that in my conscious state I am ignoring, or too busy to hear? I don't think it is out of the question that God would use a dream to try and get my attention.

The interesting part of all of this is that my sister Heather had an experience almost identical to mine one night later. Coincidence? I'm not so sure...

Captivating?

I am involved in a summer book club that is reading Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, written by John and Stasi Eldredge. (John Eldredge is the author of Wild at Heart, that book for guys). Now, it would be safe to say that I am a bit leary of the whole "pop culture spirituality" movement that has made books like Wild at Heart so very popular. And I wouldn't even be reading this book if my friend hadn't asked me to join this book club/Bible study with her. And even though I certainly don't agree with everything that I have read in the book so far...much of it does resonate true.

There is one particular line from the book that I have been meditating on for the past few days. "I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time." I am almost ashamed to admit how much I actually identify with this particular statement. The feeling that who I am as a woman is not enough for anyone, and yet at the same time who I am is simply too much. It is a painful dichotomy. Stasi Eldredge says it this way: "[I am] Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy." Not all of those adjectives apply to me. But I have my own set that I could list. Not outgoing enough, not creative enough... simply not enough. And yet too independent, too structured...too much. Even if I don't agree with anything else in the book (which is actually not true...but for the sake of argument) my heart agrees with Stasi..."I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time."

Here is a good example: I had this "friend" who kept trying to get me to go out with him. I kept turning him down because I honestly didn't have time in my schedule to go out. That season happened to just be really hectic....and I was booked solid. He decided that my life was too much for him...that I was too much....and he stopped asking me out. (Which actually is ok because we had nothing to talk about...it was uncomfortable...). And yet at the same time it is as if I was not enough. I was not enough and too much for him at the same time. Now, I don't really think this was really my problem. If someone wants to hang out with me they need to take me as I am, schedule and all. It is just a good example of the strange dichotomy that I am beginning to feel full force. Any thoughts anyone?