A Myriad Life

My sister is getting married. Sunday. No, not Heather...Krystina. So much to say about that. But in order to write about it I would have to think about it. And I don't want to think about it right now.

I have read two statements in the past week that I have really identified with:

1. "I don't doubt God. I doubt myself." I don't doubt that God has a plan; I don't doubt that He will use my circumstances (good or bad) to accomplish His plan. I do sometimes doubt my ability to catch God's vision. Some days I doubt I have the strength and fortitude to carry what He has asked of me. I don't doubt God. I doubt myself.

2. "I am tired of living in a constant state of transition." That about sums it up.

Overall, I had a good holiday. Work was a madhouse - but I fully expected that. It was nice to see my Dad. We all stayed together at Heather and Mike's house in Dayton. It was nice to get out of my apartment for a few days. I slept on the pull out bed with Heather, her Yorkie Jake, and her dachshund Daisy (quite possibly the cutest dogs ever). They like to sleep under the covers and right up next to you. Friday night they both slept right on top of me. Not all that comfortable...but they are so cute that I didn't have the heart to move them. On Christmas Day Dad cooked a huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings. It was delicious. I ate way too much. But I am pretty sure that is standard protocol during the holidays.

I am anticipating that January is going to be a good month. Three of my favorite authors have books due out and Avalon's new CD "Stand" is due to be released. I received a gift card to Borders for Christmas, but I am saving it so I can purchase these things. If I can wait that long it is...we'll see how that goes.

If 2006 goes as quickly as 2005 did, I am going to need some sort of life-seatbelt. Do they make those? I should patent one. I could make a bundle...

Extravagant Love

God has been trying to teach me something that until today I have been too dense to recognize. The last few months have been a very difficult season - difficult personally and professionally. I believe that God has a myriad of lessons for me to learn from my present circumstances. But today I feel like one sunk in. It was as if I heard Him say to me, "Child, my love is extravagant." In the past two days I have received 2 very unexpected, very expensive gifts. Both were huge blessings. Both were extravagant. Both were hard for me to receive.

But this afternoon as I was sitting in the soundbooth, crying over what I had just been given, I heard- or rather felt it..."Child, my love is extravagant." I don't think that these people gave me these gifts to teach me that God's love is extravagant. They gave them to me because they love me. But I also know that God is not a God who wastes opportunities. He used the earthly extravagant love I had just been a part of to teach me something of Himself. His love is extravagant. Amazing.

Confessions

I must confess that I absolutely love Gary Sinise. It is the main reason I watch CSI: NY, and it is the reason I recently watched a cheesy Hallmark Christmas movie that he starred in. The movie was pretty dull. Gary Sinise was not.

I'm not sure why I love watching him so much. It isn't like he is as attractive as other actors, or has starred in as many blockbuster films. But perhaps that is why I like him so much. That, and he just looks like he is a nice guy. He gives off this vibe that says, "I'm someone's champion." I hope to never find out that he is a jerk.

Home for the Holidays

I just got back from my trip to IL for Thanksgiving. Too many wonderful things to recount in just one post. In light of that fact, I will simply start with my actual travels back to Carson City. For starters, I am/was severely sleep deprived. A very dear friend that I haven't seen in years came over late Saturday night and stayed until almost 4am. Since I had to leave for the airport at 4:30am, I never actually went to bed. Even though I would not trade this time I had with him, I still do not recommend not sleeping the night before you travel. Unpleasant doesn't even begin to describe the experience. But, I am getting ahead of myself.

My Dad and I arrive at the airport at 4:50 am. Plenty of time to check in and make my 6:15 flight. However, when I checked in at the ticket counter they were searching for volunteers to switch flights because they were having a "weight-overage problem" with the little plane I was supposed to take to Minneapolis. I didn't care how I got home to Reno, so I volunteered to change flights. This took a very long time for them to arrange. Then I got sent to another ticket counter because I was now flying American, not Northwest. Then the guy at the American counter was very rude to me. Next, I was singled out to have both of my checked bags individually searched. For some reason, I had to stand there and watch them do it and wasn't allowed through security until they had finished. This was a problem because my new flight left at 5:55. They began searching my bags at 5:30. I was starting to get a little panicked. Unfortunately, when I get panicked I get very crabby (and let's also keep in mind that I hadn't slept at all that night. So I was also very very tired.) So my poor Dad ended up being at the receiving end of my tirade...which is too bad because he was only trying to help me.

So they finally decide that I am not carrying a bomb in my suitcase and I am allowed to leave and go through security. I say goodbye to Dad and hand my boarding pass and Driver's License to the person checking ID's. She takes both and says "follow me." Immediately I know this can't be something good. Lucky for me I had been selected to be hand searched. At this time I really just want to burst into tears (that happens when I am really tired and stressed).

The story does end happily. I made my flight and my connection in Chicago and am now sitting in my bedroom debating whether a nap would be a wise decision or not. I'm still not sure.

Good to be home.

Viva la Bayside

What a weekend. Not only did I get to ride in the Chrysler Pacifica, but I got to spend the weekend in California and see Lincoln Brewster. Sadly, I did not get to meet him. But I was very, very close.

Saturday was spent in Roseville doing the whole shopping thing. Lots of fun even though I didn't really buy anything. Good for my wallet I suppose. On Sunday Tina, Sunny and I visited Bayside Church in Granite Bay, CA. Huge church...Lincoln Brewster is their worship pastor. Here are some things we took away from the experience.

1. We are not that far behind! The main difference between their service and ours? They have way more money for cool toys.
2. We really appreciated their campus. Beautiful would not really be an adequate word. Clean lines, tasteful landscaping, pleasing colors, and oh yeah....plasma televisions in the lobby. Nice. Very nice.
3. I was surprised their auditorium was an all-purpose room. Gym floor, pull out bleachers. They run sound from downstairs in the back of the room....their whole console is on a movable platform that can be rolled to and fro. I think I was expecting more of the Willow model...fixed seating, more lights, bigger room. But this works for them. Again, very cool.
4. I love the sense of community that Bayside obviously works hard to create. The walls in the Auditorium were covered with larger than life photos of "Baysiders" and Bayside events. A very neat move to make the large church, well...seemingly not so large.
5. Everyone I met on their staff was very gracious. Very willing to help, willing to speak with me and answer my questions. Way cool.
6. Seeing Lincoln Brewster live was a definite highlight to the weekend. His band was absolutely killer! It was honestly like listening to a CD. I also appreciated that Lincoln did other people's music as well as his own. It was a four song set, and only two of the songs were his. Of the other two one was a Paul Baloche tune and the other was a Israel Houghton song. It was a great set! Darrel has told me that you have to teach your congregation how to worship. It is so cool to see it in practice. Even though the over-arching principles of worship are the same from church to church...the way in which in happens is different. I was interested to see how Lincoln has taught his Baysiders to worship. It was so neat to watch their mannerisms, their expressions, when they clapped, when they raised their hands, how they responded to where Lincoln was leading them. What a awesome God we serve!

The weekend was a total success. Let's do it again, girls!

Broken

My computer at home has died. Blogging must be suspended until I remedy the situation.

Malcom...err....Jeanne in the Middle

I am caught between two worlds. I am trapped between adolescence and adulthood. I certainly don't feel like a kid anymore...and yet very rarely do I feel like an adult. For lack of a better term we will call this period of life "adoleshood." If you are anywhere close to my age I believe you will be able to identify with this phase of life. Not sure if you fit into this category? If you answer yes to one or more of the following statements you are currently caught in adoleshood.

1. When making decisions at work you catch yourself thinking, "Am I really qualified to do this?"
2. You are now expected to understand and be able to decipher things like insurance, medical billing, and cell phone contracts. However, if someone actually asked you to explain any of those you would say, "I don't know. Hold on and I'll call my dad."
3. Even though it has only been between 5 and 7 years since you graduated from high school, it feels more like 15 or 20 years.
4. You realize that you are closer to 30 than you are to 20, and it makes you feel really old (even though the rational part of your brain tells you that you are still young).
5. Phone calls with your parents are frustrating because they sometimes tend to treat you like you are still 16. You must remind them that you are a twenty-something career woman who pays all her own bills and successfully makes life-decisions.
6. Phone calls with your parents are frustrating because they tend to treat you like you are a twenty-something career woman who should know how to pay her own bills and should be capable of making successful life-decisions.
7. You look around at people your age with marriages and kids and think, "What are they doing? We're not old enough to be married with kids."
8. You realize that you are a twenty-something with no marriage and no kids.
9. It only recently occurred to you that you are allowed to schedule and take trips anywhere you desire to go without first consulting someone.
10. You are sad and relieved at the same time about the reality that you no longer receive a "student discount."

Anyone relate? Yeah...I thought so.

Ah, almost a quarter century...

Yesterday I turned 24. As my sister Krystina kindly pointed out, I am almost a quarter of century old. In honor of that fact, I have decided to make a list of things that I want to do/accomplish before I turn 25. It seems appropriate.

1. Go to Las Vegas and see the fountains at the Bellagio.
2. Have at least 3,000 dollars in my savings account.
3. See at least one really good concert
4. See at least one really good musical
5. Read throught the Bible in it's entirety
6. Learn to drive a stick shift well
7. Being work on my Master's
8. At least begin writing a novel
9. Write a song
10. Study and come to a good understanding of the term "Sacrifice of Praise"
11. Learn to play the guitar well

I have 364 days. I better get busy.

Untitled

Away Despair! My Gracious Lord doth hear:
Though winds and waves assault my keel,
He doth preserve it: he doth steer,
Ev'n when the boat seems most to reel:
Storms are the triumph of his art:
Well may he close his eyes, but not his heart.

Creepy

The offices of CVC are a bee graveyard. Creepy is the only appropriate word to describe it. When you walk up to the front door of the office, the sidewalk and front stoop are littered with dead bees. For some unknown (and pretty strange) reason bees get to the front door of the building and just die. They drop dead. They buzz their last. I can't figure out why...You have any ideas?

Nerd Alert

I had a gigantic nerd moment today. I was in my Creative Arts Team meeting, and we were discussing the age demographics of Northern Nevada. The Reader's Digest version of the conversation is that there are not many people in my age demographic in the area because the cost of living is extrememly high. There are however, a lot of wealthy retirees that seem to have 400,000 dollars to drop on a home. But I digresss...Anyway, John (senior pastor) asks me if he thinks my sister Heather will stay in the area. We are just trying to get a handle on where the future of the valley is. He then asks me why I am living in this area and how long I plan to stay there. It is at this point that everyone in the room stops and stares at me. (and just to give you a mental picture, everyone else in the room is male and over forty). My answer: God called me here and I know this is where I belong. Now, don't get me wrong. I believe that with all my heart. It just felt like such an awful cliche coming out of my mouth. There are lots of reasons that I believe I belong here. All of them having to do with the fact I am called here by God. At that awful moment I simply couldn't articulate one of them. And I felt like an idiot in front of three men that I really admire. Not my best moment.

Long Live Mr. Darcy

Jane Austen has to be one of my favorite authors of all time. And outside of my roommate, who just happens to be an English teacher and general literary buff, I think I might be one of her biggest fans. And while I love all of her works, my favorite is a no-brainier: Pride and Prejudice. Here are a few of my favorite scenes, and some of my favorite dialogue. (If you haven't read Pride and Prejudice, I'll warn you that I'm probably going to reveal the ending.)

* I couldn't talk about Pride and Prejudice and not talk about Austen's opening line: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." She masterfully sets the tone of the entire novel with this now-famous line. Even those who have never read this novel can usually identify this opening sentence.

* Chapter 11 - Where Mr. Darcy proposes for the first time: "After a silence of several minutes he came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began, "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." "Elizabeth's astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her, immediately followed. He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority--of its being a degradation--of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit."
Hmm...No wonder she refused him.

* The scene towards the end of the novel in which Lady Catherine, Mr. Darcy's Aunt, comes to Hartfordshire to visit Elizabeth. She has heard rumors that Elizabeth and her nephew are engaged. Her mission is to dispel those rumors.
"You can be at no loss, Miss Bennet, to understand the reason of my journey hither. Your own heart, your won conscience must tell you why I come."
Elizabeth looked with unaffected astonishment.
"Indeed you are mistaken, Madam. I have not been at all able to account for the hounour of seeing you here."
"Miss Bennet, " replied her ladyship, in an angry tone, "you ought to know, that I am not to be trifled with. But however insincere you may choose to be, you shall not find me so...A report of a most alarming nature, reached me two days ago. I was told, that not only your sister was on the point of being most adventageously married, bu that you, that Miss Elizabeth Bennet, would, in all likelihood, be soon afterwards united to my nephew, my own nephew, Mr. Darcy. Though I knew it must be a scandalous falsehood; though I would not injure him so much as to suppose the truth of it possible, I instantly resolved on setting off for this place, that I might make my sentiments known to you."
Elizabeth goes on to neither confirm nor deny the validity of the rumor. She doesn't want to give his aunt the satisfaction.

*The last scene I will mention is between Mr. Bennet and Elizabeth. Mr. Darcy has just asked for her hand, and Mr. Bennet calls Elizabeth into his office to speak to her.
Her father was walking about the room, looking grave and anxious. "Lizzy," said he, "what are you doing? Are you out of your senses, to be accepting this man? Have not you always hated him?"
How earnestly did she then wish that her former opinions had been more reasonable, her expressions more moderate! It would have spared her from explanations and professions which it was exceedingly awkward to give; but they were now necessary, and she assured him with some confusion, of her attachment to Mr. Darcy.

Ah, what a novel.

Chicago Christmas

Should you be in the Carson Valley area on December 17th and 18th I urge you to come and check out what will be happening at CVC. That weekend will be our 3rd annual "Chicago Christmas Weekend." The group Chicago has a fantastic Christmas album (I recommend it to all two of you who read this) that we will 6 or 7 songs from. And this year I get to play for it!! Whoo Hooo! In fact, in honor of the fact that I get actually play for something I am planning on purchasing a Tenor and a Soprano saxophone. In my opinion, an instrument is never a waste of money.

I tell ya what...nothing like having to play in front of your boss (who just happens to be a stellar musician) to make me start practicing again. Hope the neighbors don't mind...

Movin' On Up

I am moving up in the technology world. I am now the proud owner of a Personal Digital Assistant. I am hoping that it is going to make my job as Celebration Arts Assistant more stream-lined and efficient. I have actually gotten to use it yet...It has to charge for three hours before I can get started. But boy oh boy does it look sleek and sophisticated charging next to my computer. Let the learning curve commence!

Tahoe Fun

This is a picture of me with my 7th grade class up in Lake Tahoe in May. It was their end of the year trip. The water was freezing, and it wasn't exactly a heat wave but those crazy children still got in the water.

Why post this picture now, almost four months later? I miss my kids. I have had several people ask me recently if I miss teaching. My standard reply, "Not really, but I miss my students."

I miss you, guys.

mmmm Turkey

So I know that Thanksgiving is just shy of three months away...but I can't wait for it to get here. Not only do I get to spend the holiday with people I hardly ever get to see, but I get to eat Thanksgiving food!

Although I love the Christmas season as a whole, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. You don't need to buy gifts, and you get to spend the day eating yummy food and hanging out with friends and family. Even though I don't enjoy the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade as much as I used to, I still love having it on and listening to it in the background. Thanksgiving just feels different. Probably because when I wake up Dad usually already has the Turkey in the oven and the smell drifts up to my bedroom. I love that smell.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving. I just know that this year is going to be extra special.

Adventures in Babysitting

All week I have been taking care of two girls: Olivia, a 6th grader and Leanna, a 3rd grader. Their parents are in New York, so I'm staying at their house too look after the girls. We've had a good time...Here are a few of the highlights:
* The girls go to bed at 9pm. Tonight, just a couple of minutes after she had been in bed Leanna comes out and says, "Jeanne, there is a big bug in my bed." Oh boy. Unfortunately the role of babysitter is by default, also the role of bug killer. So I go into her room to find a cricket wandering around her bed. I don't really want to touch it...but I had to get it out of her room. Unfortunately for me the stupid bug jumps off her bed into the area between her bed and nightstand. There was no way Leanna was going to be able to sleep until I found the bug and disposed of it. Just getting the bug off her bed was not comfort enough. And understandably so. So I ended up having to move her entire bed and crawling around on the floor in search of this blasted bug. But miracles of all miracles! I found it and threw it outside. Victory is mine! And cute little Leanna can sleep in peace.

*I have to help Leanna with her hair in the mornings. She takes a bath at night, and when she wakes up her hair can be pretty wild. I have never had to help anyone else with their hair before, let alone a little girl. But bless her heart, she has been patient and understanding. I had to try and curl her bangs yesterday, but it wasn't exactly going well. I was terrified I was going to burn her with the curling iron, all the while trying to make her bangs curl under instead of sticking straight up. In the end they looked suitable...but she gave me one of those looks that said, "Mom is way better at this, but I am too nice and polite to say anything." It was actually pretty funny. She is so cute!

Many other stories...but I am tired. Time for some sleep.

Help Has Arrived

Enjoy your new template.

<3 the blog fairy

Sad, Sad Efforts

How hard could HTML really be? Those were my famous last words. As evidenced by my very sad sidebar, HTML is obviously smarter than I am. I managed to get one link to work. But one link only. Everything else was lost in cyber space. I can see I am just going to have to have someone fix it for me. Help.

Star gazing

Last night I saw the most unbelievable shooting star. The night was especially dark, and as the star shot across the sky it left in its wake a wide and dazzling tail. It was beautiful. I was speechless.

It left an ache in me though. I live right in town; and the street lights, stoplights, casino lights, car lights, and cop car lights do a pretty good job of making sure the night sky is unreadable. I miss the days at my Dad's house where all I had to do was step outside and a million twinkling lights greeted me from above.

It got me to thinking about what I would most like to do if I could be magically transported there, right in this moment. The answer is easy. I would love to take a walk down my Dad's country road. It would be dark, quiet, chilly enough for a jacket. The stars would be out in all their splendor and I would not be walking alone. I would be with someone who could appreciate the moment. The beauty. The silence. I would stop in the middle of the road in front of the old barn that I have always wanted to explore. There I would tilt my head up and just gaze at the sky until the muscles in my neck begged me to change positions and move on.

I'll be home in November. Maybe I'll get my wish.

In a nutshell

Too many thoughts and experiences to make a coherent paragraph. I'll just make a list.

* I'm starting work on my Masters. My first class is "New Testament Studies," and it begins in about three and half weeks. I literally have thousands of pages to read before the class begins. Only have 125 read. I'm a little freaked.

* My job continues along just swimmingly. I'm up to my ears in copyright law...just when I think I have a rule figured out I find out that there are ten different exceptions that apply on different days of the week, in different types of weather, and is dependent on what I'm wearing. Basically what I'm saying is that copyright law is downright confusing.

* I had a...how shall we say...unusual experience this weekend. Unfit for blogging ears. You may however, call me, and I will divulge all the sordid details.

* I have two female friends from church who are both married and think it is a crime that I am not. They have made it their mission to point out to me every male that walks in the doors who looks single. The decided this weekend that it would be a good idea if I had business cards made up that they could hand out to single males that they think would be a good fit for me. I hope they were kidding.

* I'm going to Illinois for Thanksgiving and I couldn't be more excited about it. I miss my Dad.

* I'm trying to decide if I miss teaching. I don't miss the lesson planning, or the disciplining, or the meetings and inservices. I do however, miss my students. Most of them anyway. It was fun for a season, but God has moved me in another direction and I must admit I am very pleased.

* I'm starting a campaign to get more personal email. Real letters would be even better. The art of letter writing is so beautiful. I want to get more of them. Anyone want to be my faithful penpal?

* I have been having some disturbing dreams lately. Not nightmares, but dreams that are a glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. In them I am watching my life unfold almost as if am watching a movie. Sometimes I wake up and I am sad that the dream is over because what was watching happen was so good. Sometimes those dreams are almost worse than nightmares. My subconscious is teasing me with what I want but don't have yet. Bummer.

* God is faithful. Just like He was faithful in bringing me here to the desert, to CVC; He will be faithful in the future seasons of my life.

* That is my life in a nutshell.

Happy anniversary

Today is my anniversary. Exactly one year ago today I left Illinois to make the two day drive to Carson City, NV. It hardly seems like a year ago that I took one last look at what had been my home and started west.

I have days where I miss Illinois, miss the Midwest. But really, I think that I am just missing what is familiar. To say that it is hard to start over in a brand new state, thousands of miles from what and who you have always known would be a gross understatement. And yet, I have done it. There have been days when I have wanted to pick up, ditch this new life and move back. But I haven't. And I'm glad.

One year. Hardly seems possible. Happy anniversary to me.

Confessions

Alright...I admit it. I read the end of a book before I will commit to reading it. Some people consider this among the seven deadly sins. "What???" they exclaim in horror. "You simply can't do that. It just isn't the way it's done." But I do it anyway, and I'll tell you why.

If I don't like the way the book ends, I am not going to like the journey of getting to the end. It is just a simple fact; the biggest reason why I read the endings first. Besides, just because I know the ending doesn't mean I know how the author gets to the ending. That is fun part of reading a book anyway. The journey of getting the end. I enjoy the journey more if I know where I am going.

I spend quite a bit of money on books. Why would I want to spend 13 or 14 dollars on a book that I am not going to like reading? So when you think about it, reading the end of the book is also good stewardship. I am making sure that I am not wasting my resources on a book I will not enjoy, and therefore not read more than once.

The only exception to the rule is mystery novels. I still enjoy trying to figure out whodunit.

The group Avalon sings a song called "The Greatest Story Ever Told." The greatest story being salvation; Jesus drawing us to Himself. I got to thinking...I know the ending of this story too. Jesus has defeated Satan. My victory has been won. Ultimately God has chosen to let me read the end of His novel. That is what I call cool.

Natural Disaster?

I was at lunch yesterday with three of my co-workers, all of which have lived in the west for a number of years. One of the ladies mentioned that the weather felt like "earthquake weather." I had no idea you could predict that sort of thing with the weather. Anyway, she asked me if I had ever been through an earthquake; and I had to admit that I had not. I told them I had been through plenty of tornados though.

As far as I know, tornados are not a big threat here in Nevada. At least not like they are in the Midwest. Last summer I saw a tiny dust tornado...but I hardly think that counts. Today while I was at work I had this de ja vu tornado experience. The last couple of days have been stormy, lots of rain and some lightening and thunder. The air felt like a tornado...even though I knew that there wasn't one coming. It reminded me of being at my Dad's house, standing out in the yard with him watching the black clouds roll in, feeling the electricity in the air, that feeling in your gut when you knew the storm was going to be more than just a little thing. Even though I don't really miss the tornados - I sorta miss that feeling. Another one of life's dichotomies I guess.

Dreaming...

On occasion I will have a dream that is so real and vivid that it is frightening. Last week I had one of those dreams. The whole dream was swirling with emotion so thick and deep that I couldn't wake myself from it, and I couldn't shake the feeling long after it was over. It always makes me wonder; how is it that in my sleep I can feel so deeply? That I can be so affected by gut-wrenching, heart twisting emotion.

The nature of the dream makes me believe that I felt so deeply then because I won't allow myself to feel that deeply when I am awake. And certainly not without reason: Emotion that strong cuts deep...grief, regret, sadness. Heavy burdens.

I really believe our dreams are important. Certainly not in a Sci-fi sort of way...but I look in Scripture and see that dreams were important to God. The story of Joseph is proof-positive of that. Often after a night like last week I have wondered: is God trying to speak to me? Is He trying to tell me something that in my conscious state I am ignoring, or too busy to hear? I don't think it is out of the question that God would use a dream to try and get my attention.

The interesting part of all of this is that my sister Heather had an experience almost identical to mine one night later. Coincidence? I'm not so sure...

Captivating?

I am involved in a summer book club that is reading Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, written by John and Stasi Eldredge. (John Eldredge is the author of Wild at Heart, that book for guys). Now, it would be safe to say that I am a bit leary of the whole "pop culture spirituality" movement that has made books like Wild at Heart so very popular. And I wouldn't even be reading this book if my friend hadn't asked me to join this book club/Bible study with her. And even though I certainly don't agree with everything that I have read in the book so far...much of it does resonate true.

There is one particular line from the book that I have been meditating on for the past few days. "I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time." I am almost ashamed to admit how much I actually identify with this particular statement. The feeling that who I am as a woman is not enough for anyone, and yet at the same time who I am is simply too much. It is a painful dichotomy. Stasi Eldredge says it this way: "[I am] Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy." Not all of those adjectives apply to me. But I have my own set that I could list. Not outgoing enough, not creative enough... simply not enough. And yet too independent, too structured...too much. Even if I don't agree with anything else in the book (which is actually not true...but for the sake of argument) my heart agrees with Stasi..."I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time."

Here is a good example: I had this "friend" who kept trying to get me to go out with him. I kept turning him down because I honestly didn't have time in my schedule to go out. That season happened to just be really hectic....and I was booked solid. He decided that my life was too much for him...that I was too much....and he stopped asking me out. (Which actually is ok because we had nothing to talk about...it was uncomfortable...). And yet at the same time it is as if I was not enough. I was not enough and too much for him at the same time. Now, I don't really think this was really my problem. If someone wants to hang out with me they need to take me as I am, schedule and all. It is just a good example of the strange dichotomy that I am beginning to feel full force. Any thoughts anyone?

Tom, oh Tom, where foreart thou fair Tom?

Give me back to the days of the old Tom Cruise. The Tom who didn't attack Matt Lauer on the Today show, or the Tom who realized Oprah's couch was for sitting, not aerobics. I long for the days of yesteryear when seeing Tom Cruise in the news meant something good: like heaven forbid...actually promoting his movies instead of calling psychiatry a "pseudo-science." Really Tom, you shouldn't ostracize the psychiatric community right now....at the rate you are going you just might need their help soon.

I can't even watch my Special Edition Top Gun DVD anymore without being reminded of how my beloved Navy Pilot who coined the phrase, "I feel the need, the need for speed," is now acting as if he is on speed. Really, Tom...you're freaking me out.

An Equal Opportunity Clother

A few weeks ago I saw Will Farell on the Oprah show promoting his new movie, "Bewitched." During the course of the interview he divulged a rather odd habit of his: He rotates his wardrobe on an even schedule. He doesn't want to wear one pair of shoes too much, or one shirt more than another. So whatever comes up next in his closet is what he wears, regardless of whether it matches or not. An interesting system to be sure...Yet perhaps Will is on to something.

As I write this I have a direct line of sight into my closet, and my many pairs of shoes. It occurred to me that I have a couple of pairs of shoes that I wear quite often. The other pairs don my feet with little regularity or frequency. And while Will certainly has an unusual and refreshing approach to this problem, I am not sure it is the solution for me. If I showed up to work wearing my black sundress and my brown clogs I would get more than a few stares and snickers. Will Farell can get away with that sort of thing. Me, not so much.

Reality Check

What is it about being young that makes us feel invincible? As if sickness, death or tragedy will not spit its poison dart at us simply because we haven't made it "over the hill" yet. Case in point: I have a friend who is only 1 year older than I am. Today she found out that she might have ovarian cancer. She has to have surgery in the next two weeks so they can perform a biopsy on the tissue that has invaded her body. Scary? I think so.

It is, at the very least a reality check. At age 23, Cancer hasn't exactly been on my list of things to keep watch for. Cancer is a disease for old people-- Or at least people older than I am. Unbelievably though, today was a lesson in the fact that cancer (or disease in general for that matter) is an equal opportunity organization. It does not discriminate based on age, race, gender, or religious affiliation. I'll be the first to admit that the dreaded yearly exam isn't exactly high on my list of things to do. But if it'll save my life...

Travels

This is me with the city of Shanghai, China in the background.

I'm Diving in...

There is a kid in my 7th grade classed named Pat. This kid is one of the funniest, and yet most frustrating kids in my class. To describe him in this little post would be near impossible. But suffice it to say, he keeps me either entertained or pulling out my hair all day long.

Pat has some "trouble" completing assignments, so everyday I have to initial his planner as insurance for his parents that he has actually written down the correct assignments for the day. Today was certainly no different; unless you count the fact that Pat was particularly wound up. He started in his regular seat, was moved to the back of the room, and was well on his way to his dad's classroom (his dad is the fifth grade teacher across the hall). Sending Pat to his dad's classroom is the equivalent of a prison sentence for the poor kid. So I try only to send him there as a last resort. Anyway, back to the planner. He hadn't turned in his math homework, so I was writing that fact on his planner.

However, while I am in the midst of this Pat begins to run his mouth. Honestly, I don't even remember what he was saying. But I told him that I was going to write on his planner that he was having some attitude problems (I really wasn't going to. I was just bluffing to get him to be quiet.) Except that Pat didn't catch that. He decides to flip out in a way that only Pat Smith can...He starts hyperventilating while half-screaming "noooooooo." He leaps out of his chair and dives across the table in a vain attempt to grab his planner. Not only does he not succeed in wrestling the planner away from me, but he scatters a stack of about 300 papers from where I had placed them a few minutes earlier. He then lands unceremoniously in a heap on the floor at my feet. Yep, that's my student. If it hadn't been so funny I definitely would have sent him to his Dad's room.

There are moments when spending day after day with these kids is worth it. This was one of them. Thanks, Pat.

Reliable?

I must have a sticker on my forehead that says "Cancel on me." I have no idea why, but there are certain individuals in my life who feel free to cancel plans on me whenever they feel like it, at the last minute even. To top it all off, they don't even care that I might have turned down other invitations to go places and do fun things with other people because of said plans. Nope. Makes no difference to them. They apparently couldn't care less that their lack of consideration basically wipes out my day. Thanks guys. Appreciate it.

xlntway

I am an official, one-hundred percent, bonified resident of the state of Nevada. The last DMV paper has been signed, the last of my Illinois identity stripped away. I now have Nevada plates.
Anyone who sees my little green Dodge Spirit will now stare at my bumper and play the game of trying to figure out what my plate means. Let me tell you: "xlntway" translates into "excellent way." In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul says, "And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongue of men and of angels but have not love I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophesy and can fathom all mysteries but have not love I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing." If I were to have a "life-verse," that would probably be it.
On the upside, it only cost me 44 dollars to register my car (as opposed to 80 something in Illinois). I thought that it was going to be a lot more...I suppose that is a benefit to having an older model car. The downside to the new plates is that when I make a poor driving choice I can no longer let people think that I am an out-of-towner with my out of state plates. I guess I can't have everything!

Really interesting

I am going to start my new job in 40 days. I am extremely excited..but also pretty nervous. I keep having these invading thoughts that are something to the effect of "you are crazy for taking this job because you'll never be able to do it." I know that it is just Satan attacking me. Add to that the butterflies that come with a new job. I keep reminding myself that last August when I started teaching I knew absolutely nothing about anything. And I have learned along the way, and I have made it. I can learn new things. I can learn new things.

On another note, my Dad and one of my very best friends is coming out to Carson City in about a month. I could not be more excited!!! Whooooo Hoooooo

rollercoaster

This last week has felt like an emotional rollercoaster. Two of my friends ended up in the hospital, I might be changing careers, and there is a boy who wants to go out with me. All in the same week. The expression, "when it rains it pours" comes to mind. Yet oddly enough, it the midst of all of this I have not felt overwhelmed. It is certainly not because of my calm, cool demeanor. My sister will attribute to the fact that I about passed out when I thought Southwest had lost my luggage and I was going to have to go to China with what I was wearing. No, definitely not my calm, cool demeanor. And it is certainly not because these circumstances have not affected me. I have thought of little else this week other than my sick friends, my vocation, and this boy. So, I must come to the conclusion that my state of mind this week has nothing to do with me at all. And I personally think that is fantastic.