Choices. My heart is heavy today. My heart is heavy over relationships broken, hurting people who hurt other people, choices made. My heart is heavy over problems I can't solve, ends I can't see, situations I can't fix, choices that are not mine to make. My heart is just heavy. It's why it is midnight and I am still awake. It's why I am not even close to slumber.
I started reading Philippians - a book full of joy. Paul says in chapter three, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Later in that same chapter Paul goes on to talk about the reality that there are those who live as enemies of the cross. They live to get satisfaction now - their minds are on earthly things. But my citizenship is in Heaven. And I wait for the day when Jesus, who has everything under control, will transform me to look like Him.
This started me thinking about faith, and how little I seem to have today. I flipped to Hebrews 11 and started reading about those who have gone before me. Those who have probably had days when their hearts felt heavy. Abraham, Noah, Isaac, Joseph, Moses, Rahab. The list goes on. Then, in the beginning verses of chapter 12 the writer has this to say: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
The writer doesn't say sprint to the end of the race. He says run with perseverance. The word perseverance appears 13 times in the New Testament - and it is the same Greek word every time. The definition includes words like "patience," "endurance," "persistence" and "standing firm." Sigh. I don't feel great at any of those things today. But at least I don't have to sprint.
My heart still feels heavy. But that's ok. I trust there is a purpose. Besides - by design every race has an end, even if I can't see it. And there is hope in that.